Computers eh? We need a driving licence to drive a car, a marriage licence to get married, even a TV licence if you want to watch TV (this in the UK where we still fund our public service broadcasting so that they can produce such shows as Davina and Titty Bang Bang whilst all the time saying that this is part of their remit….. what chasing ratings and throwing money at any tired old idea as long as it has a 'twist'….. ) however, that's not what this is about. To get back to the point, the one thing you don't need a licence for is using a computer. And just like people who dont have a licence and so can't follow simple road signs, people get computers and don't always know how to use them. This gives us, that is those of us who know a little more, a chanced to have a good laugh at the funny things people do with their computers – Hey that could be a new series for the BBC – 'Computers do the funniest things"? "When computers go bad"? "Honey we're abusing the computer"?… I'll get onto the BBC with those cracking great ideas straight away while I leave you to have a chortle….

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I do network administration and end user support. A particular clerical person was always having problems running Windows for Workgroups. The hard drive finally crashed, and when we got it back I convinced the boss to load her machine with DOS only. I created a batch file menu, tested it, and then compiled it into an exe file. When the person was at lunch I installed it on her machine. When she came back from lunch she called and said her computer didn't work. I asked her to read the screen to me. She said "Bad Command or File Name." So I went over to her desk. We started her machine and the file menu screen came up. It read:

1. Main Frame
2. Word Processing

Press the number of your choice and hit [enter].

It looked right, so I told her to press either 1 or 2 depending on whether she wanted to go to the main frame or the word processing package. She pressed 4. And, of course, we got the error. When I asked her why she pressed 4, she said, "It says press the number of my choice! I choose 4!"

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Someone complained that her monitor was "all green." The problem, I guessed, was due to the monitor cable not being correctly connected, so that the red and blue pins weren't making contact. I talked her through the checking process, but she was adamant that the cable was correctly plugged in. Somewhat puzzled, I decided to visit her office. Sure enough, the cable wasn't correctly inserted. She'd forced it in and bent some pins. I pointed it out, and she said with some astonishment, "It wasn't like that a moment ago!" I fixed it, then asked what it had been like before. She said that the plug had been a different shape. I finally figured out what she meant. She had been checking the other end of the cable, where it plugs into the desktop chassis. I pointed this out to her. She said, quote, "Oh! I didn't know it had two ends!"

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• Tech Support: "Ok, now press the right arrow key."
• Customer: "The bar is going down."
• Tech Support: "Are you pressing the right arrow key?"
• Customer: "Yes, and it's still going down."
• Tech Support: "Are you sure you're pressing the right arrow key?"
• Customer: "Yes, oh, that's the key with the arrow pointing right, isn't it?"
• Tech Support: "Er, yes."
• Customer: "Ok, another menu has come up."

 

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• Customer: "I would like to place an order."
• Tech Support: "Unfortunately, we are unable to take orders over the phone. All orders must be placed on our web site."
• Customer: "Web site?"
• Tech Support: "You need access to a computer that's connected to the Internet in order to visit our Internet site and place an order."
• Customer: "Where is the computer?"
• Tech Support: "…"

 

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• Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem?"
• Customer: "When I change my font sizes, the letters change size."

 

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While visiting a network user's office to install a small programme, he asked:

• Him: "Can you answer a question?"
• Me: "Sure."
• Him: "See the recycle bin? Does someone come round and empty it?"

 

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Keep on laughing…..

Computer Stupidities